Blood That Became Water

Today, Feburary 1st, 2017. Today, just like every Feburary 1st, I woke up with something missing. I woke up quiet, emotional, and eager to end my day.

I grew up in Seymour, Tennessee. I  would explain it as a quick stop for tourist, because there is not much to see in Seymour. I was raised by highschool sweethearts. My parents had my brother at eighteen, and just three years later, I came along. I remember my childhood consistening of a tv that had three channels, parents who never seemed to make ends meet, and my bestfriend, Trey. If you were to ask me at six, I had it made.

I was notorious for getting in fights with Trey. We never meant any harm, it was just the way we played. Trey became someone I looked up to. I wanted to be just like him, but a girl version of course. He taught me how to use a knife, how to ride a skateboard, and most of all, how incrediably bad you can miss someone.

trey

My long lost bestfriend, Trey and I.

Things were going great in my childhood, but just like everyone else, we had a few bumps in the road. My parents were arguing constantly, which lead to a divorce. Leaving my brother, 9 and myself, 6, confused and saddened. Our whole world crumbled in our hands. Little did we know, that would only be the begining.

It started out as a normal divorce, we saw our dad every other week. Until, my dad decided to enjoy his youth and freedom. My dad ended up becoming, eventually, a junkie. My mom ended up marrying a surgeon. So my life has always been a mixture of both sides. Which, I am incrediably greatful and humble because of.

The start of my brothers middle school years, was when half of myself left. My brother would start coming to my moms hateful, sketchy, and eventually started being mean to me. My parents did not want to blame themselves for his actions, but we all deep down knew it was the divorce that affected him.

Slowly, my family became more of acquaintices. You see, my brother ended up moving in with my dads parents. He needed the one on one time. As for me, I stayed with my mom. Let me note- my mom and my dads parents do not, and never will speak.

Eventually, my bestfriend, Trey started to fade away.. as did my childhood. The minute my parents got a divorce, I was no longer a child but now I felt more like a woman. Having to go to my dads house meant: fixing my hair by myself, making my own food, and sometimes helping my dad to his bed at night.

Now, twelve years later. I have no contact with my dad, my brother, or my grandparents.

The last time I saw my brother was three years ago. I will never forget it. I was at a concert when I heard someone yell, “Noe?” (my pet name). As I searched the crowd, I saw a man that looked identical to my brother. I immediatly ran up to him, and tears overwhelmed me. We hugged and he kept telling me,”it’s ok Noe. You are still my little sister, and I still love you.”

As I sit here on Feburary 1st, I think of how much time and memories I have lost over the years. Feburary 1st, is not just a Wednesday for me. Feburary 1st, is the day my bestfriend/brother, Trey was born.

How could I let my own blood become water to me?

The answer is a mystery. In fact, I believe things happen for a reason. I do not resent my dad, he tried and adulting is not for everyone. I do pray he wakes up one day and finds himself, though. As for my mom, I know what her intentions were and I can not blame her for bettering my life. My brother? Well, we are still both young. He turned twenty two today, and in a month I will be nineteen. I hope we can eventually start where we left off.

Sometimes Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. I pray for my family, and I know one day  I will seek the answers I need.

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This was the last picture of me taken at my dads house. Trey was going to prom!

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Left to Right: Me, Gaby(cousin), Trey(brother), and Zoe(Cousin)

My first ever bff’s.

XOXO,

The Girl With Kaleidoscope Eyes

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